Positive Ways to Gain Control Over Your Yelling with Rachel Kurian
Welcome to this episode of The Determined Mom Show. I am Rachel Kurian, and she is amazing. Parenting coach. So she is the founder of Explore Kid Talk, and I know she has a ton of experience in schooling and educating our children.
I know that many other moms deal with this daily, and that is how we can gain control over our yelling and try to be more positive, especially in 2020, which is an impossible challenge.
A little about myself for your listeners that may wanna know. I attended school for early childhood education, Special Ed, and General Ed. I worked in the classrooms for a while.
Then I worked in early intervention, where I went into the homes to work with the children and the families and branched out from there to work with the parents to help them and have strategies. For the daily struggles and things that come up, yelling is definitely on people’s lists.
There was always yelling. That’s just how they communicated and how I grew up. So that’s what you expect and think that’s how it is. And as an adult, I had to learn that. There are better ways, or there are other ways. That was something that I had to learn as an adult and figure out that there are different ways to do this.
There are different expectations. In a classroom or when I went and did an early intervention, I was seen as the teacher, as an outside person. And it’s different when you’re home, and you’re mommy, and yelling was my go-to. Yelling was my go-to response.
That was my instinct. So when you’re trying to do something different than your instinct, there are things that you have to recognize first, and many parents have to go against their instincts. You have to teach yourself to do something different than yours; I had to learn my triggers and where I was.
I tell parents it’s essential too. Where you are and what you can handle that day. If you know you’re having a bad day that day, maybe you don’t have bath time, or perhaps you have an easy dinner, you try to do things where you can make it a little bit easier for yourself if you are already having a bad day.
I had a moment when my son was little, then I was not doing well, and he spilled the goldfish all over the floor, and I lost it, but it’s just goldfish crackers on the floor. It’s not terrible. We often don’t recognize where we are, and I tell. To recognize that, but also express that to your children.
Let them know you’re human and say, mommy’s getting angry. To put, to put that expectation out there. Mommy’s getting angry. Mommy needs a minute. So the same strategies you will use to help your little one when they have big emotions. Tantrums you need to do for yourself.
Please be aware of your feelings, express them, and take a minute, which many of us don’t do. We’re just like, we have to keep doing it or, and then we get mad and yell. We need to put ourselves in timeout and think about how we feel.
You tell your little ones, you say, mommy’s getting angry; mommy’s getting upset. I don’t want to yell. Mommy is going to take a minute. You’re also modeling that good behavior so that.
They can see you are doing that also, that you’re not just telling them to do it, but you are doing it too. And last year, even if you were doing fine for a while, Everybody had a point where they hit a wall where it was just too much. Like you might have been okay for three or five months, and then it didn’t end, where things didn’t change and everybody kind of hit a wall and parents couldn’t handle as much because you’re taking the everyday things that you had.
Previously, and now maybe you’re homeschooling, and there’s no daycare, and you’re working from home where you used to go out. So now you, you don’t ever leave the house. You’re handling more things on top of your everyday stuff because you still have to eat and you still have laundry. You still have your normal items and then everything else. And that’s part of it. It recognizes where you are. I am not doing good today.
I’m at my max. I can’t handle anything else, and that’s okay because you’re not going to feel like that every day, but on the days you do, it’s important to see that and acknowledge that in yourself and then see what you can take away what’s not a priority today. Like I said, maybe you don’t do a bath today, it’s too much. You don’t want the battle, and you don’t want to do it. So don’t do a bath today. Yeah, they’ll be fine if they have a bath.
I think a lot of times, myself included, Moms would say, yes, I’m fine, and I, and that’s what you say, just to keep doing what you need to do or not acknowledging that you’re at your max, you’re just like, I’m fine, I’m fine. And then you lose it over the little things you don’t want to yell over.
You haven’t recognized that you haven’t said, and it’s so, and that’s why I say put it out there. Please let me know that Mommy’s upset right now. Mommy doesn’t want to yell. I’m going to take a minute. Or you can count or close your eyes and breathe. Please let me know which strategy works best for you. Also, I will share a strategy that doesn’t work for me, but I’ve, and it has worked for other parents.
If you feel the yelling coming, try to do the opposite and whisper talk, a whisper, which automatically calms you down. Now I share that because it has helped many parents I’ve worked with. I need help with it. I’d love to work one-on-one with parents with little ones, so I focus on the ages between two and five.
So when I work with you, we discuss what’s happening in your home and yours. To make things easier, you have strategies like this. I’m excited about also being that I have a parenting and parenting membership.
It is a community where you’re there with like-minded parents, all simultaneously going through the same thing. So when we have group calls, everybody is sharing, helping each other, and getting guidance and tips right away that you can do and implement after the calls.
You said you grew up in a yelling environment, meaning your parents weren’t parenting experts. So it’s good actually to have a. To look to when you have those struggles and questions, and also commiserating with other parents that are going through the same thing, but with that leadership of, okay, this is probably not going to work for you, but this is what you could do to make it
I love that you mentioned your parents, about each person’s parents, because that is something that so many people are dealing with; they don’t want to parent the same way they were parented. They want to do things a little differently than their parents, and then they can’t ask their parents for help because they don’t want to do the same thing.
And a lot of people struggle with that. It’s not that they feel it was the wrong way, or maybe that’s all their parents knew, and that’s what they did, but they want to parent a little differently for whatever reason. So their parents aren’t a resource, aren’t somebody that they usually go to, and that’s a factor because they’re trying to do something a little bit different, and you do need that guidance and that support when you’re trying to do something that you may not know how to go about it.
There is a way to join the membership on the website. Absolutely. You can also find me; I have a free Facebook group for any parent who wants to join, where I live, and information on Facebook. You could look up Explore Kid Talk Parenting. For early childhood, that’s a free group where it’s easy to find me.
It is on Facebook. I have started to do Instagram more. I’m starting. I need to do more tips and things, but Facebook is where I am more present and show up more. You can message me anytime I get notifications, so I check my messages to respond to parents all the time and in my Facebook group. It is where I spend most of my time. Awesome.
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