How to Own Your Co-parenting Role and Make Your Life Easier
Welcome to this episode of The Determined Mom Show. I have the lovely Tyrana Gibson with me today, and she is the founder and creator of the Parent Playground App, and she’s also the host of the Shift Happens podcast. And I said Shift with an f.
I’m excited to have you here because this is something that we haven’t talked about yet on the podcast that really, really is important and needs to be discussed. So we’re gonna talk about how to own your co-parenting role and make your life easier. Before we get into that, can you just tell us a little bit about you and your background, so everybody is kind of familiar with you as we go forward?
As you guys know, my name’s Veronica. I pretty much, like a mom from, no, a lot of my things that I do are, like a lot of other parents revolve around, you know, my child, she’s eight, so she’s at the age where she’s still semi-independent but still demands a lot of like mommy and attention timed do that.
I work on my app, um, full time. I do that. I work with my parents. I have other programs that I have implemented through the Parent playground brand where I work with other businesses and work with other parents like myself, who just really kind of enjoy having fun with their kids and being able to make money doing that.
That’s, I think, like me in the next show. Besides the fact that I am, I enjoy it. Corny jokes like the cornier the joke, the better you will get me. So, you know, if you guys come up with any like jokes, you know, just hit me up in my DM cuz I’m always here for a good laugh.
Awesome. I am so into corny jokes too. My husband has like, Almost a negative sense of humor on the meter, sometimes it gets me into trouble, but my kids like it, so you know, it works out well. Yeah, exactly. Now my daughter likes telling me jokes, so it’s a win-win. So tell us a little bit about your podcast too, while you’re talking about it.
So the podcast is really just honed in on, you know, parents having a safe space. If we talk about uncommon, uncomfortable topics,I think that we have, because of social media, we have this thing where you have to, you know, make it look like you’re a perfect parent and you know, nothing ever goes wrong and it’s a psych yo, like stuff goes wrong.
Probably something goes wrong like every single day. So it’s just about, you know, us just being able to come here and talk about those tough, tough topics that we kind of like talk about in public, I mean in private with our friends, but not really like on a public platform, cuz it’s kind of like this shield that we have up or this, it’s like this thing that it’s like, Oh, you don’t talk about that.
And it’s like, no, like my child is not getting. A full meal every night. Sometimes she goes to bed and popcorn is her dinner. Okay. so it’s just about owning up to what parenting really is and. You know, being okay with not being a perfect parent because you’re never gonna achieve that.
So it’s just about accepting where you are now, meeting you and your child where you are, and having that space to talk about it and have other parents relate. And then maybe even give you a shift on how you can direct a way that you do something. If you’re trying to look , A different way to do it versus the perfect way, because that’s nonexistent.Then we just talk shit about the stuff that our kids do after we’ve worked so hard.Take care of them .
To make them perfect. Right. To wrap them up in little bills.And like, Okay, you shouldn’t be saying that because you’re my child and Yeah, I totally get it. Yeah.
So it’s really like a big play on the FTK moment, the movement that’s going on, and a lot of other parents. Some people who don’t have kids don’t understand when we say FTK and they’re like, How can you say this about your kid?
It’s like, if you understand the amount of effort I put into my child outside of just the basics, and then for my child to not appreciate it. It’s like, you don’t understand what I went through to make sure that you were ecstatic.And then you just looked at me and said, Mom, I hate it. And I’m like, Oh, okay. Well, you know, forget all my efforts.
Yeah, that’s, that’s so true. And something that, um, Well I love the, the theme of the podcast, by the way, the topics. But something that I’ve noticed in real life is that it’s hard to find other moms that are willing to talk about those things. Like in real life, Like it’s almost impossible. I have.
Two mom friends that I accidentally made friends with through my daughter’s preschool and our, their sons were in my daughter’s class, so then they were like three musketeers after that. But since then, I haven’t really, besides my best friend from middle school, I really don’t have another friend that I can really talk to about those things. I find it really difficult.
That’s exactly what this platform is created for, you know, like give you that space too. Have that safe space to talk about that stuff that you don’t really have anything, have that anyone to talk to about it with. And then also hearing other parents talk about their experiences and realizing that you’re not alone. Other parents are probably going through the same thing, if not worse. And we are just, We’re doing our best. Hanging. We’re doing our best.
Yes, definitely, Definitely. So let’s talk about co-parenting. Tell us a little about your background and your story and how you got into co-parenting. No, as if it’s like a job.
No. The birds and the bees. I have, like I said, I have an eight year old child. At one point in time me and her father were married, and then we separated and we got divorced. And we have been separated, I wanna say going on about like three and a half years now, like three years around that area.
So pretty much you call purchases then. It’s been a rollercoaster to say the least. There are extremely, like good times we’re on, like, yeah, this is great. And then there’s other times where it’s just like, I hate you so much right now. Like so it’s definitely a roller coaster and it’s been truly like a learning experience not only for me, but definitely even like for my child, because we have a lot of conversations, so we’re gonna get to which.
Helps me kind of navigate the place I’ve been going into recently, the past couple of months on, you know, how Coparent should look and especially releasing my initial dream of what I thought our co-parent situation would look like. You know, I, you know, went into, I think it’s like, Hey, we can be friends.
Like you can be my bestie. And you know, when we do get into other relationships, you get to see one big blended family and it’s just, no, that is, that’s not gonna happen.
So I had to, I had to really be okay with that alternate reality and learn how to make that work. It isn’t so much friction on myself and especially on my child, because she is the direct bearer of, you know, that situation. She’s affected way more than what I knew at the beginning. So that’s why a lot has transpired from then until now.
I think I wanna go back to two things that you said. One of them is age, so it’s interesting. The difference between like if you were to get separated at like, you know, when the child is like two or maybe three they really don’t really know any difference.
But with your daughter being eight and having it only be like three years ago, so she was like maybe four or five, she probably remembers what it was like. To have you both under the same roof. So I feel like that’s a little even more challenging than if it’s a younger child and you’re, you know, you separated before they can actually cognitively keep all those memories in place.
Yeah, definitely because it did happen from her perspective. I can see how it happened, like really fast. It was like one-day mom and dad are in the house together and literally within a month’s time span like we were so, and then it was a switch off, you know, living in one state to us completely moving to a different state also.
So it was a lot changed in such a short period of time. I actually enrolled her in therapy because she had a really hard time. You know, letting go of the concept that her parents weren’t gonna be together.
Really didn’t even help when, you know, she, you know, when CO was over and she was able to go back to school, you know, mingle with her friends and having, you know, a lot of her friends, their parents to be together.
That was some additional blow to her and what she was going through because she wanted so badly for her parents to be together, and that just wasn’t her reality. So it was a lot of, you know, conversations that I had to have with her, like over and over again.
And especially with, you know, her going through therapy that I would encourage any other parent, like, please, even if you think your child is not going through anything, like.
They probably have to understand this is a life changing experience, not just for you, but for them having a therapist, because at the beginning she wasn’t so comfortable speaking with me about how she really felt.
She just wanted to keep it like, you know, why can’t you and daddy be together instead of like, You know, conversation of her trying to get to the acceptance phase. Like she was really stuck on, I’m not going to accept anything differently. That’s where the therapist, uh, came in and was able to give us great assistance with that.
So now she understands that, you know, it’s gonna be two different households. And I try to explain to her like, Hey, like now you’ll get like double up everything.Like two worlds. So it’s. You’re, you know, you’re winning a quote. Cause you get double.
Yeah. So that’s awesome. So the other thing that I wanted to mention is, I know you said you had that vision of like being able to co-parent and have like co birthday parties and like Christmas, you know, like I know exactly what you’re talking about and I do wanna mention that I know someone, a couple who.
Divorced when their daughter was like two. Okay. And they literally hated each other for like the first like seven, eight years maybe after that. And then, and I’m just offering you a little bit of hope here, and then. Like gradually they started getting a little better, a little better. Then they started doing a little, like, they’d show up to sporting events, you know?
And like now, like her new husband and her old husband, like, they all literally do things together. Her, her old husband and her new husband literally do things without her.Together. So it’s. It is possible. It just takes a long time and takes a lot of everybody working through stuff.
Definitely. I really know that it is a lot of work that the parents have to do, especially with themselves because, you know, separating you, getting divorced and all of that. That I think people don’t realize how big of a transition that is, like emotionally even down from, you know, you go through one phase of emotions when you’re just getting separated and then you go through a whole nother phase of emotions when you know you get that piece of paper that says that you’re actually like divorced even though you guys haven’t been living that way for a while.
It’s still another emotional depth that you have to work through, and your child doesn’t have to experience that part, so you don’t have to actually like to tell them. But yeah, so that was like my initial thing and at the beginning we were like cool. And I felt like co-parenting was going great.
Then I really think that because we didn’t have a good ending and there was still a lot of anger and all of that stuff that played a major role in how we coparenting. Was to go moving forward. So it was like, you can only fake it for a minute, uh, a second. So that’s what the beginning was.
It was like, let’s try to be cool and like, you know, act like we’re okay. And then like, you know, when stuff really started like going down the line, it’s like, okay, we’re really not okay. And this is when all this crap started happening.
I know it’s hard, but you’re doing an amazing job, and just being able to talk about it and, you know, share your experience and all of those things is such a huge blessing for everybody listening. I truly appreciate that. What is, what are some of these structures and how do you set up your role as a co-parent in order to make things easier for you and your daughter?
All right, well, let’s get into it. I have a list for that, first things first, uh, working on yourself. As like a person, not as a mom, a daughter, or whatever else you do with your career, literally working on yourself. I went through an extensive, like six month transformational program.
I, and again, me and my daughter enrolled in therapy at the same time. So it’s like I started doing a lot of work on my mental and emotional health and then again, you know, changing the way that I ate, you know, exercising, which I don’t always stick to, but really the key is working on yourself because if you’re not honest with yourself where you are emotionally and mentally, like nothing’s ever gonna change.
I also have to be honest with myself and have a conversation, conversation with myself. Like, Hey, like, you’re not okay. And it’s like, even though you know you’ve made a great decision by ending this relationship, You also at one point really wanted this relationship. So that’s still an emotional change that you have to go through and, you know, go through that grievance process.
So it’s really just about focusing on taking care of yourself because when you’re not in a good place, you know it’s gonna affect everything. It’s gonna affect the way you parent, it’s gonna affect your job, and it’s definitely gonna affect your co parent relationship. Cuz now your problem has a face.
And it has a name and we project that onto the other person. Every time they don’t do something, no matter how minor it is, or they do something that you don’t like. So it’s just like shit like, So that for me, like that is like the first thing. I even suggest that if you can, if the other parent is open to it, doing kind of like co-parenting.
Course together, or like a therapy session because I think that because a communication is kind of like diminished from your relationship and having that shift into this co-parenting thing is extremely difficult to navigate, especially when, cuz you’re two different people, so you’re not gonna be exactly at the same area at the same time.
So just having a mediator there. To guide you guys on your communication and how you guys can figure out how to work with each other and meet each other where you are and kind of like reprioritize your focus on your child, that can be a little bit difficult, especially when, when we were together, we didn’t really see each other.
Eye to eye on everything when it came to raising her. So now that we’re not together, that’s even a bigger elephant in the room cuz it’s like, well we already didn’t agree on that, so we’re definitely not gonna do it now.
But it’s just about, you know, you sometimes have to mix co-parenting with parallel parenting. If that makes sense. And if, and if anyone listens, doesn’t know what parallel parenting is, it’s really.
You know, this is just the area of parenting where we’re not working together necessarily on it. When she’s with you, you do whatever you feel is best in that situation. And when she’s with me, I’ll do my best for her. In this situation, you have to kind of weave in and out with that.
I think one of the best examples of that would be like eating. Like if you’re Household eats healthy and then the other person’s household doesn’t, you know that when the child goes over there, then they’re not gonna be eating well and you know, that’s. It and you really can’t control it. I think that’s one of the biggest frustrations I hear from, you know, friends and family that have that, uh, co-parenting thing going on.
That was definitely one thing with us, cuz I started switching to, plant-based for the most part, you know, it’s just like, hey, Like what?Like she’s a kid. Like Yeah. There’s still good food.
Yeah. It’s literally plants like, hello. It’s like, what else is better than that?
No. And then I found plant-based chicken nuggets at the store, so it’s like, hey, like she doesn’t know dripping. She loves it.So, you know, let’s just agree, disagree, and then you just do what you do and I do what you do.
I love that. So we have to take care of ourselves and potentially go to counseling with your, you know, co-parent and then also put your child in counseling. We’ll add that one back in from before we started talking about the steps. But what are the, Anything else or, Yeah, accountability.
Accountability goes back to yourself. So you have to understand when you are in a mood or when your mind is in a certain thinking phase, that that can hinder your co parent relationship. So it’s not all about blaming the other parent for, you know, what you feel like they’re not doing or what they could do better.
Cause at the end of the day, they’re their own person and you know, they’re kind of like in a stage right now, like F you. It’s like you’re really not gonna get anywhere. So you can. My, I got stuck into this thing that I kept complaining about, like what he wasn’t doing and what I felt like he could do differently.
Cause you know, I felt like. You know, I’ve always had all the plans done for her. Like when it comes to weekend activities, like I would, at the beginning I was even planning there like weekend activities together. And you know, that segues me into being like an enabler now. So it’s like you’re never gonna learn how to be a parent on your own without me.
You know? Always like, kind of like, like camp eating you, and like setting up everything. So one, I had to cut that off. I had to cut off the enabling and. You know, had to pretty much like, kind of like train him like, Hey, like this is how I find events. I’m just like a normal person. I go on Facebook.
I find events, and this is actually how the. One of the reasons the app came about is because one day he told me he is like, you know, she’s a little girl. I don’t know what to do with her. You know, guys, we deal with set up playdates. And I’m just like, And when he said that, he’d been saying that for a while.
And then one of my male cousins came and told me he was going through a similar situation where he just doesn’t know what to do with his kid. Because you know, when they were with their partner, the partner planned everything and they kind of just. Do they? So I’m like, Okay, so clearly this is a widespread problem through fathers when they are separated.
So that was another reason why the app, I wanted it to be so important. Fathers were included cuz like, you know, honestly, they just really may not know they, they weren’t in that position at first where they had to figure it out.
So now they are, and it’s just like, Hey, at least here’s a great starting point and you can start finding the places that you go. Now they go to LOL kids all the time, like, like that’s their staple place, like how she has a stable place that we just go to by default. So it’s like now he’s able to navigate that.
So it was about me, you know, letting go of like my horns and my controller of me having to be in control and understanding that I couldn’t enable him anymore because I was enabling him and then getting mad when he’s asking me a question about something I feel like he should know.
It’s just like, you know, that’s not fair cuz it’s like you’re getting mad at. What he’s always done. So you have to give him time to transition into that. And again, that goes back to accountability for yourself. And it’s like you can’t always blame the other parent. You can open up the space and how I operate is because I’m still a controller, you know?
Working progress, but it’ll always be what it is. I’m gonna tell you. And I’m gonna teach you. And then after that, you have to continue to execute it. Now, I’m only gonna get upset when you are not continuing to execute what I know you know better. But also when it comes to being a parent, like this is my first kid that I had to figure out on my own.
Between YouTube, Facebook, all these staying groups that are out here, You know, I’m not magic. I mean , I am. But on the other hand, it’s like you have to take the initiative to learn what it is, yet you don’t know.
So after you get to a certain point in your life and in parenthood, like there is no excuse for what, Like you don’t know cuz it’s cool you don’t know this first time, but.You can find out how to do it differently or better moving forward. So it’s about you taking that initiative.
So that’s where my problem comes in, or our problem comes in a lot. It’s just like, I need you to take initiative because I’m done with the teaching and learning phase. I’m taking you to the basics and the foundation. Now you just have to navigate it for yourself.
I think it’s unreasonable, like you said, at a certain point too. Knowing that Google is out there and like you can literally find the answer to any question within like two seconds. There’s no excuse anymore. Like maybe like back in 1990.You know, we’re like 20, 22, no excuse.
I’m like, yo, like we live in Vegas. There’s always something going on. Like there’s literally no excuse when you can’t find something to do. And then luckily for us, our child’s are really chill. Like she’s really good, which is like, oh, like they’ll be in the house this weekend and you know, she’ll just wanna and play on her tablet with her friends, you know, that dang Roblox.
Or like, you know, we’ll go to the pool. So it’s like she’s not even the type of kit. You have to plan all this extravagant stuff for like, she’s really content with like the bare minimum. I can take her to the dollar store and get her balloon and she’ll have the time of her life. So yeah. And it’s just, So going back to the main accountability, well done with accountability.
Now this shift is into blame shifting. So there’s a whole lot. Victim mentality that, you know, the parents take turns on being in. It’s like, you know, well, you did this, you did that, and it’s like at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. If we’re both focusing on our child, then, I mean, very few things could actually go wrong.
But it’s like when your focus is not there, that’s when you leave room for error and you leave room for friction and all the arguing and all that stuff. So it’s. You can, like I said, complain about what the other person is not doing, but on the day you have no control over them. You can only rest, you can only control how you react.
To it and then make adjustments in your life to that. So I even did a small thing like seeing his name pop up on my phone. So I changed his name on my phone. I must know. Unless you can’t share it.So right now the name is Chad. Okay, So even when, like if I have to like, feel like I need to like vent, really click to like my friends or somebody, and I know my child, like, you know, kids, you think that they’re busy.
You know, they have bionic ears. Like, I even started using different code names and then it’s like now even like I’m switching up names, you know, for him like. How I say the name, Like they know who I’m talking about or like, you know, whatever the situation is so, you know, a little trick for myself and it works great.When I see that little name pop open the screen, I’m like, Oh, okay.
It’s not as triggering. I love that . I think that’s funny. I was thinking you were gonna say like, some kind of like, interesting, nickname or, Nope. I love it. Super basic, super unrelated to anything. Just, you know. Cause if you, even if you try to change a name to something that you’re still gonna trigger yourself because you’re changing to something that’s non desirable.
I had to change it to something that didn’t make me feel away. I don’t even know what.So it’s like I have no attachment to that name.
I think Chad and Karen should be like the default, uh, the default co-parent names in the phone Chad and Karen.
Then also like I started setting up my life to where I’m always prepared to have my child. So like, I would tell people sometimes, like, yeah, like my life is pretty much set up like a single mom, even though technically I’m not a single mother.
But my life is said that way so that if there are some inconsistencies, where the frustration comes out on my end is if the other parent is being inconsistent or like something happens, I’ll get irritated or upset because now that friend is on my plans or what I’m trying to do.
But if I already have my life set up no matter if, assuming that I’m going to have my child, Then when that inconsistency happens, I’m not as effective. Like true enough, I’m still gonna get irritated. But in the day, like the irritation of going through that five minute, you get five minutes to be upset, do whatever I need to do and then get back on it.
So it’s like now that I have all those back end processes for myself, Set up. Whenever he doesn’t do something that I expect him to do, it’s not as bothersome cause it’s just like, one, I know this already, and two, I’m already set to handle this. So I already have an on-call babysitter, like, you know, So none of my plans or anything has to shift at the last minute.
And granted, when you’re a parent, Stuff does happen at the last minute cuz you know, you have a kid, you know she’s gonna hurt herself or she gets sick, whatever the case is. But for the most part it’s like when it comes to him doing something, there’s no longer he can do. So it’s like, okay, I have a tough time having my kid.
It also comes down to communication. You know, sometimes when you guys are not in that good phase and you know, there’s a lot of petty, like glows being said, it’s kind of. I would get upset. And then my best friend, she talks to me all the time, she’s like, Ronnie, like you’re getting upset about shit that you know that he does.
It’s just like, you know, you’re saying that he sent out this stuff to you and then I had to realize and have the conversation with myself. Like he could only say so much to you. And one message. So it’s like if you don’t even engage or even respond to that message, that quote unquote pisses you off. It can’t say the other shit afterwards. Because you already didn’t respond. So it’s just like a duh, like you’re just doing it to yourself like, No, he sex me to piss you off.
So it’s like, yeah, you gonna fall into it or you gonna be like, Yo, Have a little pretty party and talk to you later. Probably not. Maybe if I don’t have to. But also like, so again, it’s all about self control with yourself. Cuz again, an argument can only happen when two people are engaging in an argument.
That’s very true. There’s only, Yeah, you can’t have a one-sided argument for sure. I agree.
So the best they can do is text you a couple of stuff back to back and then they’re gonna get tired of talking to themselves and then that’s fine.And then you start doing that and you start training them.
So it’s like ever since I started putting that into practice, cuz I’m more of a, I gotta have a less word type of person. Like, no, let me tell you about yourself. I’m just like, Yo, but that’s only irritating me.
Because you’re kind of, it just bounces off them and directs right back to you and you’re like.
Just like, and then I’m all hyped up and frustrated and just like, Yo, just stop responding. And then you know, now it’s working out great because he texts me a lot less bullshit now just because he’s not gonna get a response. And then I have like this rule analysis, like if you text me, so.
I’m not gonna respond. And then what he’ll do is, it’s so funny, I wonder if he’s gonna hear this and be like, Oh, that’s what you’re gonna ? Like, Yes, yes, yes. So he’ll text something that tries to trigger me, then I won’t respond. Then he’ll text something that’s relevant to the child, because it’s like, Oh, now I wanted to respond to me.
But my new rule is once you cross that line, you are now on communication. Block. Mm. Or however you wanna title it. Like there’s a, there’s a time period, and for me it’s 24 hours where no matter what you text me after that, even it’s directly related to our child, because you already cross that boundary.
You are, you can now, you cannot communicate with me for a 24 hour period no matter what it’s about.So unless it’s a diary emergency where you know she needs to get rushed to the hospital or she’s missing mm-hmm. There’s no reason for us to communicate right now.
I like that. So that’s like a hard boundary and he knows that, like you’ve told him that or he just kind of, I, him felt it.
I just, I just started doing it cuz it’s like, you know, you, you have to train the people how to treat you.So they’re gonna keep doing what they do by your boundaries.So people are gonna do what they do, but it’s like you, your boundaries are, you’re responsible for yourself. It’s like, you can say you have boundaries, but if you don’t enforce them, Then the other person’s gonna do what they do and then you keep getting mad at them for doing what they already do.
And what you allow them to do in the day is what you’re doing. You’re allowing them to do it. It’s not smart. It’s like very stupid. It’s like people can only treat you how you let them treat you. Now the first time, Okay, maybe it could have been a mistake the second time.
You know, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, but like I feel like after the third time, or at the third time, if you kind of know like this is just something that they’re interested in doing.
So you have to decide how you’re gonna navigate. And that’s not just with co-parenting, that’s with anybody in your life, including your child, like we all know. So sometimes you have to treat them like your child also, because you also have to remember, This is your co-parent. This is somebody who you used to be in a relationship with.
They’re used to being, to having a certain type of access to you that makes sense. You have to change how that access is given and set those boundaries because when you’re married, it’s like even if you’re upset, you guys are coming home to the same house and you have to kind of rush to get together to have that conversation.
But now it’s like I don’t have to. And you have to learn very quickly that you cannot do that because now you know you’re not gonna get a response from me. I don’t care if you need to come get her shoes, go give her another pair right now because you’re not getting a response from me. You cannot come over here.
And that’s just that. So now you know. Every time you say something that is outta line that is disrespectful or you know it’s triggering cuz it’s like, you know me so you know what you said And you know what you did. So it’s like, I don’t care how minor it is, you can’t do that because if you respect me, don’t do that to you.
Cuz I try not to get into verbal arguments because I’m very. Cutthroat. And then I’m not one of those people that, Oh, I’m gonna say something petty that doesn’t matter. Like, Oh, your ethics today, or Your hair looks crappy. Like, No, I’m gonna say some stuff that’s like some real stuff that really bothers you.
I’m like a mental freaking terrorist that’s like, shut up. I’m gonna say something where it’s gonna go into your mind right now, and you’re gonna wake up at 3:00 AM the next. And be like, Yo, she really said that. Like, yes, that’s the type of stuff that I throw out. So like I really even try not to go there, just like just sleeping alone and like, just focusing on our child.
If it’s not really about her, you know, education or her health. It’s really nothing for us to discuss. And at that point I just feel like. You know, she’s in school, she’s eight, she can communicate for herself. So we both have access to her doctors, her teachers, her therapists.
So it’s nothing truly that me and him have to actually directly communicate about, other than what time are we meeting up to, you know, exchange our child. Other than that, everything is kind of like, so, Done. So even down to, oh, summer programs. Okay, cool.
All you have to do is just send me a quick text, Hey, I wanna enroll her in this program, or I enrolled her in this program. Okay, cool. I’m not doubting your decisions, cuz I know you don’t have any bad intentions for our child, so do what you think is best and I’m gonna enroll with it. Anything else outside of that? That’s what I have a problem with.
That’s awesome. The, your structure, the thing that I love the most is that you literally have structured your thoughts around this. Like, I love it. Like you have structured your thoughts, you’ve structured your life, you’ve structured your, you know your feelings, you’ve know how you’re going to react if this happens.I absolutely love that. You’ve planned it ahead of time and it’s phenomenal.
Like you have to cause it like it was one point. Where I was literally going crazy and I was calling my therapist every day and she’s like, Hey, I’m letting you know. Like, she called me one day and was like, I’m checking in on you because I want to let you know that, um, you’ve used up your allotted
That’s what I thought you were gonna say. She’s like, You’ve reached your limit.
Right? She’s like, I’m trying to apply for an extension. I’m just letting you know that she used it up for, um, the first half of the year and she, this in February. And I’m like, Oh my. What am I supposed to do until June?
I’m like, ok. So it just, and then also, I just got tired of being angry all the time and like blaming him and just being like, triggered, like when I’m in a good mood and I get a text, like I got tired of that and it was affecting my work. Like I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t sleep. Like it messes with you.
I had to, again, I had to take responsibility. I had to have car, car conversation with myself. My best friend had to tell me about myself. My stepmom literally flew out here one night. I called her after one of our arguments.
I was crying and I was just so upset because I felt like I had been doing so good and then like our way just blew up because I clearly wasn’t doing as good as what I thought I was doing.
Like I called her crying and I was just so upset and she just hung up. She’s like, I’m calling you. And I’m like, Okay. Like I’m, That was helpful , right? I’m trying to vent right now. And then next thing I know, I get a text message and she has a flight itinerary for her flight the next night.
And she’s like, Oh, I’m coming out there to get you together. And I’m just like, I’m like, I don’t know. How in trouble I am right now. That’s huge. I mean, it is. She’s literally like a godsend and like she gets me together all the time. I can talk to her about anything.
Like both of my moms, cause that’s my bonus mom, my stepmom, and then I have my biological mom and we’re just very close. Like they both know. Everything. So it’s just like, I don’t, I’m very close knit with my siblings and my parents.
That’s great. And do you feel like that also allows you to be a better co-parent to have that like, Mental, emotional and maybe even like babysitting or, you know, whatever support.
Yeah, definitely. Well, here I don’t really have, I have like my babysitter, who is actually one of my really good friends, her daughter who’s in high school and Kelsey just loves her so much. Um, so, you know, that’s perfect. And then, You know, lucky for me, she’s very similar to how Kelsey is.
They’re both just kind of like out the way type of kids and you know, don’t really like to do too much. They like to have their plan, they come back home. So it’s like she’s mostly always available for me when I need her at the last minute, which is great.
So, yeah, and it is about the support system, but most importantly, because most of my support system is not here physically, you know, having those FaceTime talks or being able to call them.
I know it’s a very big deal, but also your support system should also be people who are not gonna fluff you and bullshit you,like, I’m very big on, check me when I am doing wrong because I’m not perfect. And I know I sometimes do stuff how my auntie says, Baby, that’s outta order, but out.
You know, when you let your emotions get the best of you and it’s, again, you get to that point when you’re going through the process of not taking care of yourself. So when I called my step mom that.
You know, all hysterical. It’s because of a two week time period where I would’ve taken care of myself. So that’s how I got to that point. Taking care of yourself is a daily thing because mentally it would mess you up and then at that point, anything can trigger you.
That’s very powerful and thank you for sharing that story. And I think it’s awesome that you also kind of, that, you know, the stepmom thing kind of came into it because it’s a really good example of, you know, having that emotional support and having those people to kind of check you, right?
Yeah, exactly. we definitely, people around us who can pedestrian in our place when we are. Stepping out of line.
I have a podcast coming up that’s airing in October, and this particular guest has some, you know, like abuse issues, you know, like she was abused and, and that kind of thing.
So she actually told me about an app called Our Family Wizard, and literally Oh yeah, like you don’t even have to talk to him ever again. Like with this app , like you literally don’t have to.
I think sometimes when, Well, my situation, I’ve tried to facilitate different communication methods, so I did hear about the app we have implemented, implemented that we actually started moving our communication to emails, which is even better.
Yeah. so, um, but sometimes like, you know, when it’s, you know, picking it, you know, the transfer of the child on days that are not from school. That’s when the text needs to be used. Cause obviously that’s more immediate. but so far this new method is working. That’s good. Don’t I know that I have other options.
Yeah. Good. Awesome.So is there anything that you wanna kind of leave us with, and if anybody is in this situation where either A, they’re thinking about, you know, like separating or divorce or B, they. In that stage of separation and divorce, or see they’ve been in it for a while and they’re struggling like.
I have a thing for all of that. If you’re thinking about leaving your partner, Do it because you’re thinking about it for a reason. And it’s not like this is your first thought. You’ve been thinking about it, you’ve been trying to make it work.
And at the end of the day, you have to be honest with yourself and, Okay. Quick story. How I decided to leave my partner was while I was watching The Good Doctor. It’s like the episodes just kept happening to where everybody kept getting to notice that they’re gonna die like so soon.
And they’re like, you have three months to live, four months to live. And I’m. What if I went to a doctor and said, They told me I only have to be meant to live. It’s like, is this the life I wanna die living?
Cause I was already thinking about leaving, but then I was just like, I don’t wanna die with this being my life. So that was it. That’s all it took. I had to stay. I was gonna leave. So if you have. At that point we had been breaking up for the better part of like two and a half years already.
So, hey, if you, whatever you decide you need to do to make you and your child happy, uh, do it cuz now you’re doing a favor which may not look like you on the front end, but you’re doing a favor for everyone involved. You, your child, your partner. For one, for two. If you guys are in the household, you know, arguing all the time, your child is experiencing that.
So it’s definitely better for you guys to be separate and have a good relationship or a semi relationship, or even a non-existent relationship. Then to have your child grow up in that space where they’re seeing their parents pretty much hate each other because now how do you expect your child to have.
A positive relationship with anyone when they think that they have to endure a negative situation. Just because you know you’re married and you have kids, so now you’re training them and teaching them that, Hey, no matter what, if I make a certain type of commitment, I have to stick through it no matter how it’s making me feel.
You don’t want to train your child to think that or to do that, and also anyone who’s going through the process, Lean on your child, Lean on your support system, especially your child. Your child understands a whole lot more than you think they do, and you are completely honest with them and not babying them, and don’t give them hope for a relationship that you don’t think is gonna work out or gonna get back with them.
Be completely honest with them and let them know that it’s gonna be okay that they get now two of everything they get to have. As I told my child, You get to have more people to love you now.Cause when mommy gets into a new relationship, he’s probably gonna come with his own set of family or his other kids.
He’s gonna love you, you’re gonna have more siblings. So focus on the positive side of what that looks like on the other end for your child. And do understand that they do fill away. And again, if you guys are having that communication barrier, Talk to it through a therapist.
Me and Kelsey actually have mother daughter sessions twice a month, where we just literally get to have that time to do exercises and games together with our therapists. So it, and also allowed her to be a lot more open to her now, she could communicate with me outside of those sessions on stuff that she thought wouldn’t be able to talk to me beforehand.
I’m off stage. Take care of yourself. You’re doing the other person in favor. It’s gonna hurt. Fine, cry it out, make you a playlist. If you need a playlist, hit me up again. I’ll be there. Need a wine date? We can cry it out together and I’ll give you a cur, a really good pep.
So awesome. Yeah, that’s awesome. I love it. Well, thank you so much for sharing all of this. This is gonna be extremely helpful to so many women and I absolutely love it.So where can people find you online? Like where can they connect with you? To get the playlist or the wine date .
Pretty much anywhere you can search me on Facebook.Tyrana Gibson on my profiles are public because honestly I feel like it has been high. Don’t post it. Right? Mm-hmm. On Instagram, I act like Love, underscore, r o n I love Ronnie.
Love underscore Ronnie. That’s pretty much like my handle for everything including Twitter. Um, don’t be on my Twitter. That’s where I go with top shit. Mm-hmm. , get off my chest. Okay.
And yeah, so, you know, tip me up on, you know, Facebook or, you know, you go to the parent and paper. Our website, the contact form goes directly to me also.So you can pretty much just Google my name and you can, you can find me.
Awesome. Well, I will put the link to the parent playground website in there. And if you are in the Las Vegas area, that is a great place to find events for your kids and also connect with other parents. Awesome. Well thank you for very, thank you very much for being on the show.